by Al Rocheleau
USE ACTION VERBS
Don’t write in disjointed fragments. Those who you may think wrote largely in fragments (Williams, Plath, Bukowski) did nothing of the sort. There was a line, a string upon which those words traveled to an inevitable conclusion. Whether fixed form or free verse, the poem must move. You can get a lot of mileage out of the sentence form in a poem.
In 1) The first version has a lot of fragments, not perfectly connected– lots of stops and crooked starts, not necessarily leading to the same ending. The second is essentially ONE sentence. Stanzas are often one sentence, driven from an isolated image or premise, to a definite conclusion. And the way you drive your lines, just as you do an effective sentence is by using action verbs. Make your lines DO something, not BE something.
I am sad. Tears flowing. Sadder than I’ve ever been. Because of you.
(How about instead):
I drive this deaf nail into the wall; penetrate sheetrock and you.
(Ouch! While the language was “indirect,” the effect wasn’t!)
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